The Fog of Motherhood

I have always had plans on top of plans, and contingencies for those plans. It's my nature. It's what keeps anxiety at bay for me.  On top of always juggling plans and schedules, I've usually been great at multi-tasking them with reality. In that regard, motherhood is a great fit.  The difference between my pre-kid days of organizing life and my days as a mom, is my level of focus.  

Before children, I could give each of my tasks my full attention. Since becoming a mom, I feel constantly distracted. I am in a perpetual fog of motherhood. Of course I had the hormone-induced distractibility of pregnancy and post-partum with each of my girls, but this fog is lasting. I can no longer sit through a workday without my to-do's pushing their way into my focus. I can't make it through an outing apart from the kids without wondering: How  are the girls are doing? Are they missing me too much? Or at all? Have they eaten? Did they poop? Are they behaving? Did Addy nap? Has D been polite? My distractions are endless and always coursing through my mind. They are also inescapable.  

While the thoughts sustaining my fog are ever-changing, it's existence is not.  Five years from now, my focus on potty-training and sight words, will be replaced with Adelyn learning to read and Danica enduring the woes of fifth grade.  Ten years from now, Addy will begin learning algebra, as D learns how to drive.  And twenty years years from now, I will be learning how to mother women, rather than little girls.  

As the days and years of motherhood cycle by, I am realizing that this fog, in some capacity, is mine forever. For me, it is a by-product of motherhood. My heart, and focus, will never be untouched by my little ladies.