My marriage is a threesome and I wouldn't have it any other way. Our elusive third wheel is not some seductive temptress or charming, studly man. Instead, our third wheel is bipolar disorder. My husband was diagnosed almost two years ago, but the impact of bipolar has been with us since the start of our relationship.
Those with bipolar have an emotional brilliance unlike anyone else. The emotionality that most of us require years to experience, can be lived and learned from in the course of a month during a rapid cycle. It is like learning a life changing lesson on 16x fast forward in the midst of a misunderstanding world. Because it is a different path, it sometimes feels wrong and oftentimes feels lonely.
If you Google "bipolar marriage statistics" you will be slapped in the face with gloom. It is estimated that 90% of bipolar marriages end in divorce. It is thought to be one of the most difficult challenges in a relationship. Books, articles, websites, and mental health experts all spout the immense hardships of remaining with a bipolar spouse. Unfortunately, it is nearly impossible to find a positive outlook on the topic. Welcome to a fresh perspective:
Loving a bipolar spouse is like an elevator ride in a high rise, blindfolded. No matter where you start from, the ground feels stable. You know your surroundings and you feel safe. When you hear the doors close, you know you are going for a ride. Many times, that ride becomes a plummet. Your stomach drops and you know you are heading downward. You have no idea how far down or how long the ride will take. You might reach for the emergency stop, but it's not in the same location for every ride. You both keep reaching, and one of you will find it eventually. When you do find it, your ride may idle for a bit. Take this as a chance to catch your breath. You are still safe.
Each time you go for this ride, you will acquire new tools to help you navigate. When you use your tools to return to your stable place, revel in it. This is the plateau. Take this time to thoroughly communicate with your spouse. Use this opportunity to build up your arsenal of mutual love, compassion, and understanding. Make this your home base and agree to always return here.
Sometimes, when you hop back on that elevator, your ride soars high. It is usually a take-your-breath-away kind of ride. You are still blindfolded, but the building anticipation is infectious. When you reach the top and the doors open, peel off your blindfold and enjoy the view together. This isn't a solo ride. Look around, hand in hand, and soak in the experience. Just remember to return back to your home base together.
You know that new love giddiness and playfulness that happens at the start of a relationship, when the level of attraction and connectedness is so intense? We experience that again every time we return to a plateau. Every time. It is pure bliss to experience that with the love of your life repeatedly. The peaks, the valleys, and the beautiful plateaus make us who we are. We don't get stuck in the mundane, because life carries us elsewhere before we have a chance to get bored. Bipolar will never define our marriage, but it will always be the third wheel reminding us that some statistics can fuck off.
